Who am I

Who am I?
That’s a very common exercise in a kindergartener/first-grader’s book. The children are often given clues like: ‘I have a long trunk’ or ‘I have no legs’ or ‘I swing from tree to tree’. On top of that, they are also given an illustration of what it really is next to the clues.
Recently, I am forced to ask myself this question.

Who am I?
Unlike those excercises, mine does not come with clues. Just chaotic evidence of what/who I am not.

I am not who I thought I could be.
I am not who I ought to be.
I am not as capable as I had hoped to be.
I am not good enough for many things in my life.
I am not running my own life.
I am not the one to decide who I should be.
And I certainly am not anywhere near what/who people expect me to be.
I am just not.

I tried to pray but for someone who could always pray spontaneously, I couldn’t think of what to say. I am at a lost for words and thoughts. It’s my dark night of the soul…

My only hope is that somewhere deep within me, there is still a bit of the ‘me’ I hoped to be, left. So I may someday rise from this and be someone I must be.

Someday, too, the Lord will come to my aid and set me free when he reveals the ultimate truth. And before that day comes, I shall be one who holds no grudges.

When this thought came to my mind as I was driving home today, I heard a tiny voice saying to me, “And that’s who you are… One who holds no grudges.”

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